Chicken Noodle Soup

"... it basically sounded like I was blowing chicken noodle out of my butt-hole."

Strong Boobs

I picked her up (toddler) and she put her arms around neck and said, "Oh... your boobs are SOOOO strong!"

Phone Tag

me: Phone tag and such... can be annoying. You know...Friend: I called you back!

 me: I know... then I called you back.

 Friend: Oh. Right.

 me: I figured you might be a tad annoyed when you called me and I didn't pick up.

  Sorry.

  I was showering before church... so I could lift my arms in praise to Jesus without offending my neighbor in Christ ;)

 Friend: Don't be a tard. I was not annoyed. I went to church too.

Liam Neeson

Part of a convo over chat:


Lady Friend: I dunno what the heck I've been eating, but every time I poo it's GIGANTIC.
"RELEASE THE KRAKEN!"

Me: Ha ha... I'm laughing out loud...uncontrollable... can't stop laughing. I can totally hear Liam Neeson saying that!

Uterus

So yea... I'm still infertile and I feel good about it. 
Of course, I'm perpetually angry at my uterus for being such a jerk and deciding to be inverted (or whatever)...

Gangster

Robert Downey Jr.

"I had a dream that Robert Downey Jr. was my boyfriend. It was AWWWWWESOME!"

Whisker

Said over chat with a girlfriend of mine:

Her: "I just found a whisker on my cheek."

Me: Bummer deal.

Her: "Every once in awhile I get a short-and-curly mixed in with my peach fuzz."
Her: "Damn you testosterone. Damn you!"

Sweaty

"...my sweat smells weird today."

24 Hours

"...remember when I texted you and told you I couldn't stop farting? Well, it's been over 24 hours and I still can't stop farting."

Ephedra

"Your Mom is high energy...she must be on ephedra or something..."

Cheese

"At four o'clock, I will cut the cheese, so stop asking me!"

Pigtails

Text:
"Ugh.... Miss Piggytails gave a presentation this morning in class... so painful to watch without judging! I wish I could sneak a picture of her stupid outfit today."

Without judging? Too late.

Scabies

Text:
I just called a few minutes ago to see how your rashy ass is doing... still have scabies, or no?

Worse Day Ever

On the phone:

"Ohmygosh, Beth! I just walked past a mirror and realized I have TERRIBLE camel toe! Everyone here, in Ikea, can see my camel toe! I can't wear these pants every again."

Fast forward three hours...

Over email:

"Ugh my favorite pilot  just came in and saw me in my horrible outfit and did a double take… not good for the self esteem… wish he hadn’t seen my like this… I’m NOT hawt sauce today AT ALL.. I freaking have camel toe…. UGH WORSE DAY EVER."

Jeans

Who the heck would order jeans online?! Are you crazy?! You basically just set yourself up for failure. That's like ordering a bra online. You must try these things on before purchase, Beth, duhzers.

Wait, the pilot called YOU Rhonda?

Yep, he called ME Rhonda.